It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
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He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
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I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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