So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
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Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
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My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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