Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
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Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
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My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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