3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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