If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize