god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
It was confusing and full of hummus
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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