You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
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There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
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Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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