After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
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He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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