I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
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I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
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Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
i believe in u and ur pee
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