Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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