remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize