i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize