I can't watch pbs sober anymore
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
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Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
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It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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