hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize