I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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