Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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