She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
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Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
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Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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