after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
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St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
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Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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