no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
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I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
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my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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