So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
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I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
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Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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