It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
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I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
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I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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