sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops high fived after they tackled you
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize