matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
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She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
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i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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