our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
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You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
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I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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