What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
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he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
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Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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