My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
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