Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
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The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
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I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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