this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
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DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
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I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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