Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize