I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
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Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
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That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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