I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Even the bartender felt bad for me
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He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
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Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize