How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
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After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
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Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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