That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
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He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
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I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
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