the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
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I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
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I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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