I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
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The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
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I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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