Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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