I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize