Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
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No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
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How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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