just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
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found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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