the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
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Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
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I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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