I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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