Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
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i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
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Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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