I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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