I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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