Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
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The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
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The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
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