Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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