I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
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WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize