I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
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Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
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Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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