I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
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I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
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I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
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