I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
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They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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